AGING ICON

“You Saved My Sanity”: A Daughter’s Long-Distance Dementia Journey and the Advocate Who Changed Everything

Some stories don’t just describe what happened, they feel like what happened.

Andrea lives in Oregon. Her mother lives in New York City. Her mother is 93 now. When Andrea first met Caryn Isaacs, her mother was 88 and already showing signs of dementia.

Andrea opens with a line that says it all:

“To say that Caryn saved my sanity is an understatement.”

After reading what Andrea and her mother lived through, the years of confusion, grief, safety concerns, medical decisions, paperwork, and long-distance worry, it’s hard to imagine a more accurate statement.

Andrea isn’t just describing the help Caryn provided. She’s describing the emotional relief of finally having someone capable, experienced, and compassionate standing in the gap when a family is stretched to its breaking point.

Before Caryn: Dementia, Denial, and a Fragile Household

Before Caryn entered the picture, Andrea’s mother lived in Jackson Heights, Queens, with Andrea’s younger sister. Andrea’s mother was beginning to show signs of dementia but was in denial, something many families recognize. Dementia often arrives quietly, and at first, it’s easy to explain away.

At the time, Andrea’s sister was the primary caretaker, but the situation was complicated. Her sister had her own physical and emotional challenges, and the two had a co-dependent relationship. Her sister rarely left the house, and Andrea’s mother couldn’t do anything without worrying about leaving her sister alone.

Even then, the family was living on a fragile edge, and as dementia progressed, it became unsafe for Andrea’s mother to leave the apartment unaccompanied.

A Sudden Loss That Changed Everything

Then came the devastating curve ball. Andrea’s sister passed away unexpectedly in her early 50s. Andrea received a call from the police telling her that her sister had died suddenly at home. Later, they learned it was due to a pulmonary disease. In an instant, Andrea’s mother was left alone and with dementia in the mix, “alone” was dangerous.

Andrea describes her mother leaving the apartment, forgetting where she was going, and getting lost. More than once, the police had to bring her home. The situation was no longer manageable.

The Chaos of Legal, Financial, and Care Logistics

Andrea flew to New York City to try to stabilize everything. The family had already been working with a wonderful elder law attorney, but after Andrea’s sister died, things became far more complicated especially because many accounts and responsibilities had been in her sister’s name.

Andrea needed power of attorney transferred. She needed access to bank accounts. She needed care in place. And she needed to do all of it while living 3,000 miles away. The attorney helped her find a home health agency to send aides once Andrea returned home. At first, it seemed like the solution, but it quickly became a nightmare.

When “Care” Isn’t Really Care

Andrea describes those months with the agency as a disaster. Aides called constantly saying her mother had left the apartment and they couldn’t find her presumably because she wasn’t being supervised properly. Her mother began running out of food. The aides repeatedly asked Andrea for money to buy groceries, but Andrea suspected the food wasn’t actually going to her mother.

It was expensive and stressful and when you’re 3,000 miles away, that kind of worry doesn’t stay contained. It seeps into every part of your life.

The Oregon Move: A Loving Plan That Didn’t Work

After two months, Andrea and her husband made a decision many long-distance families eventually face and decided would move her mother to Oregon.

Andrea found a lovely, assisted living facility near their home and arranged private healthcare. She flew back to Queens, packed what she could, and brought her mother to Oregon but it didn’t go well.

Dementia and change can be a combustible combination, and Andrea’s mother did not adjust. She didn’t get along with Andrea’s husband. Andrea’s children avoided her due to erratic and sometimes mean behavior, and when shown the assisted living facility, her mother flatly refused to live there.

Andrea was emotionally spent. She couldn’t imagine taking another flight back to New York with her mother. That’s when she called the elder law attorney again, desperate, and out of options.

The Turning Point: “Call Caryn”

The attorney recommended Caryn Isaacs.

Caryn arranged to meet Andrea’s mother at JFK and bring her back to Queens. Andrea admits she was nervous about trusting someone she had never met, but due to her responsibilities in Oregon, she had no choice.

Caryn picked her mother up, took her home, bought groceries, and helped her settle in. Andrea describes Caryn as “like an angel sent to help us out.” From that moment on, Caryn became what Andrea calls a substitute “Me.

Oversight, Advocacy, and a Safer Path Forward

At first, they continued using the same agency, but Caryn visited at least once a week while the aides were there. That oversight changed everything.

Caryn also handled what long-distance families often can’t: finding doctors and dentists, scheduling appointments, arranging transportation, checking safety, and observing changes in behavior. Eventually, Andrea and Caryn moved her mother into assisted living in Queens. Andrea feared another disastrous transition, but Caryn approached it gently, keeping things calm and simple.

That was five years ago. Andrea’s mother still lives there.

Advocacy Doesn’t End Once They’re Placed

One of the most powerful lessons in this chapter is that assisted living does not replace family. It replaces some tasks but not the need for advocacy.

Caryn continued weekly visits. She ensured Andrea received weekly calls from her mother. She advocated medically, communicated with doctors, and protected Andrea’s mother from unnecessary rehab placements and risky surgery decisions. During Covid, Andrea’s mother spent over a month in the hospital. Caryn couldn’t visit, but she called regularly and stayed on top of everything.

“Go on the Vacation”

Andrea shares one moment that says everything.

She had planned a bucket-list trip to Africa for two weeks, $20,000, years in the making. As it approached, Andrea was consumed with guilt and anxiety. Caryn was compassionate, but firm.

She told Andrea to go. Not to throw away her life living trapped in “what if.” Caryn even helped arrange a pre-paid funeral package so if something happened, everything would be handled.

Andrea didn’t know that option existed, but Caryn did.

Final Takeaways

Andrea’s story is ultimately one of gratitude. Her mother is safe and stable, and Andrea can finally breathe.

As she says:

“I never question how much Caryn really cares. Otherwise, I do not know what I would do.”

That is exactly what I do as an Aging Icon. I’m not someone who simply shows up, but someone who changes the entire course of a family’s life through experience, compassion, and unwavering advocacy.

February 17, 2026 - Posted by Aging Icon | Uncategorized | business, Elder Law Attorney, Family, health, life, love, mental health, seniors, writing